Everyone faces difficult emotional situations in their lives. Some more often than others. Some sooner rather than later. When we are confronted with such situations, one or more of these emotions surface within us: Anger, fear, emptiness, aggression, helplessness, guilt, frustration, jealousy – just to name a few.
Each of these negative emotions acts as a slow burn of our shop of enthusiasm and energy, making our lives even more miserable than before.
But not all situations in life are challenging. They only become challenging because we think they are. And when I say challenging situations, I do not mean crisis situations like threats to life or safety, the death of a loved one, or physical or emotional abuse. These are the worst challenges that many a person faces. These crises can also be managed with certain techniques to minimise the impact, but I will write about that in another article. Today I want to talk about a concept that deals with these irritating, seemingly complex circumstances that invade our simple, peaceful lives almost every day.
There are two scenarios for this – a before and an after.
The A-B-C Process (Before):
According to this concept, any situation that causes emotional pain can be represented as a process consisting of 3 phases. I will illustrate this with two situations – one from a workplace perspective and another from a personal life perspective.
Workplace example:
A senior official (I will call him Ramon) was expecting a leadership role in the project he had been working on for six months. He was excited, very confident after the interview and bragged about it to his friends. However, he was denied the role in favour of a younger and newer colleague. This is the activating event that we will refer to as ‘A’.
It causes an immediate change in Ramon’s emotional world. He is terribly upset, becomes angry with his boss, with the colleague who got the lead role, and very soon with the entire department. After a while, when he realises the process is over and people are clicking their tongues, he begins to doubt himself and thinks, “Maybe I am not cut out for this role.” Let us call this belief ‘B.”
If Ramon stays in his current role for a few more days, he gradually becomes depressed, shows poor performance, takes vacations, and even seeks a transfer. His thoughts are, “I may be a total failure. I do not think I will be able to work at all” This is the consequence we will call “C”.
An example from personal life:
A young professional woman (name: Jasmine) had to cancel her dinner dates with friends three times because her husband stood her up each time. The activating event (A) is that Jasmine’s husband cannot accompany her on certain occasions. This leads to belief (B): “My husband does not love me, and therefore I am not that important in his life.” This leads to consequence(C): Jasmine begins to doubt her husband’s faithfulness, snoops through his things, gets restless when he is late or out drinking with his friends, and begins to think, “My marriage is a failure. I do not deserve to live.” Her husband is irritated by his wife’s distrust, becomes aloof, and focuses more on his work. As a result, their marriage suffers until it finally breaks up.
Using the two situations above, we can interpret a general A-B-C process as follows:
There is an activating event, A, either at work or in personal life. This event causes the individual to develop a belief ( B). This belief is usually irrational – it is rigid, extreme, and out of step with reality. The irrational belief in turn leads to a consequence, C.
Note here that it is not the situation or event that caused the consequence, but the belief that follows the event. Such beliefs can often lead to negative thinking patterns called cognitive distortions (see my LinkedIn article on this). These patterns decrease motivation, lower self-esteem, and cause problems such as anxiety, depression, violence, or substance abuse.
Just like organisational processes, this human A-B-C process can be improved by applying some simple techniques.
The A-B-C-D-E process (after):
We now understand the ABC part of the process, and that irrational beliefs lead to undesirable consequences. The simple approach to avoid an undesirable consequence is to question the belief itself. So ‘D’ stands for ” Disputing the irrational belief.
We can challenge the belief in the previous two examples as follows:
Workplace example (from Ramon)
- Am I a failure just because I did not get promoted?
- Even if it is a failure, am I not allowed to fail at my job at all?
- Can not I look at this situation as a learning process and plan my next promotion better?
- What are the benefits of changing my old beliefs?
- What feelings should I replace to heal my scars?
- What bad things will happen if I keep my old beliefs?
Example from personal life (Jasmine’s)
- Did my marriage fail just because my husband did not show up on time?
- Am I a bad person just because my husband does not know how to plan?
- Is there a better way to meet friends if my husband accompanies me?
- What are the benefits of changing my old beliefs?
- What feelings should I replace to heal my scars?
- What bad things will happen if I keep my old beliefs?
After asking ourselves these questions, we begin to perceive the situation with a new mind. With self-knowledge and introspection, we try to find out if there are things we have not done right. We begin to accept the situation as part of life and look forward to a new beginning. When we accept the situation, we usually show emotions that help us and heal our mind. This new effect is “E”.
Denying faith does not mean that we have to deny all emotions. Instead, the highly negative emotions associated with irrational beliefs, such as fear, depression, aggression, etc., are to be replaced with more helpful emotions that enable healing. Such emotions may include sadness, worry, nervousness, etc. It should be noted that although emotions like sadness sound negative, they are not. They are transitional emotions that are easier to manage than the negative emotions. We can then develop more positive emotions such as contentment, fulfilment, excitement, joy, etc.
In the new Effect E, disputation has transformed the irrational belief into a rational belief, and we now have healthier consequences from our belief. In the two examples, state ‘E’ can be illustrated as follows:
Workplace example (from Ramon)
- I did my best to manage a project, but maybe they needed someone with certain skills that I do not have.
- In the future, I can look for projects that require my skills as a project manager.
- I can find and develop some new skills that are in demand in the company, so I can increase my chances of getting a leadership role.
- The opportunities are not limited, and I should keep my eyes open and keep trying.
Personal life example (Jasmine’s)
- A few missed appointments does not make my husband a bad person or me a bad wife (or girlfriend).
- I could think of ways to schedule appointments that make it difficult for my husband to miss, such as holidays and places he likes.
- I can have a frank conversation with my husband to find out if he really wants to be there, and if so, how I can help him show up on time.
Challenges with the A-B-C-D-E approach
In the A-B-C-D-E process, it’s obvious that ‘D,” overcoming irrational beliefs, is the critical stage that transforms the before into the after. However, this is easier said than done. For what we question are our own beliefs. We are not aware that these beliefs are irrational. We do not realise that the feelings are negative. We do not realise that the thoughts are automatic. If we knew that, there would be no reason for this concept. There would have been no emotional problems.
Unfortunately, irrational beliefs and negative thoughts are automatic. There are schools of thought that say that such beliefs and behaviours are controlled by our genes (inherited from our parents). There are also studies that show that we develop these traits from the time we are born until today through our experiences. This is referred to as the “Nature vs. Nurture” controversy. But that is another topic.
Regardless of how we developed our behaviour, it takes time and effort to challenge our beliefs. As with any professional skill, we need knowledge and practise to successfully disprove our irrational beliefs. If we find it difficult to do this, talking to behavioural health professionals (a newer, more politically correct term for mental health) will certainly help.
